Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
