Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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