He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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