i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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