If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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