I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
