turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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