ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
