im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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