im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I need a burrito and a hug.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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