the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
