I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
