she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
