if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
