im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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