You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
