So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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