it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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