Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
