im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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