At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
