I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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