I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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