i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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