I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
