Whats the glycemic index on semen?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
