did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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