so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize