he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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