so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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