I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I CAN MOONWALK!
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
