do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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