Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
