I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
