You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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