i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
