Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
