remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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