She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
