yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
