i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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