My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
