soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
