smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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