it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
We named our party play list daddy issues
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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