He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
