I cannot find my penis.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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