Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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