why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
