Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize