Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You can't special order awesome
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
