I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just gargled with NyQuil
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
