You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
