he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
