Four minutes until I can fart!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Let's get the cat blown out
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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