When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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