i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
