you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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