sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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