i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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