I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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