no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
