I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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