textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
