True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
