Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
